Outside looking in...

This is not what i saw coming. Six months ago today, i left Florida. Half a year ago. I remember the excitement. I remember how brave i felt to take a risk, and see that everything was going to go alright. I had everything together. I didn't have much reason to think things were going to work out, but they did. I left florida with barely enough money in gas to make it up here. In fact, i remember sweating it out once i saw the New Jersey state line. I had her waiting for me, but everything else including the odds were against me. But i really didnt care. I was gonna make it. Thats the way i am, i have so much faith in myself. I have faith that God is going to work all things out. June 26th, 2006. 6 months. I went to bed last night perfectly fine, tired but fine. And as i woke up to go to church this morning, i laid in bed for an hour thinking about how big of a joke i have become. Im not happy. As happy as i thought i was last night, was a lie. So...I should stop trying to do everything myself? For six months i have sat on the sidelines waiting on the two most important things in my life. So i guess ive reached a point where i cant keep going further. I am going after one with all my heart, and leaving little for the other. I have spent so much of my efforts trying to be happy again. So much on trying to get back to where things were. But every time i feel like im getting close.....i get nothing. I go unnoticed. Im forced to wait. I get neglected. I feel alone. I cant keep doing this. Somedays i want to up and leave. Not go back. But go somewhere where i can start all over. Where i can put the pieces back together. Where i can be strong again. To find what i need. Someone who cares about me. Someone who loves me no matter what everyone says. This roller coaster is sucking the air out of me. Yeah, thats what i need. I need YOU.