Tomorrow...

Tomorrow I am leaving the "great" state of New Jersey, for I'm not sure how long. I had a little mix-up with my airline tickets, since I am flying out to be in one of my best friend's wedding tomorrow, and ended up having to fly up here to NJ to fly out to go see him. So i made a little vacation out of it. Of course when I planned it, there were much more exciting expectations put on this weekend. But, anyway, tomorrow I'm leaving and I want to be happy and just move on to whatever's next. It was a really good weekend don't get me wrong, but it was a good taste of where I stand. I mean having to adjust to a whole new environment while having to deal with all sorts of bad things, was rough, but being back here and spending a few days comparing and contrasting, I feel like I know whats going on with me. I guess you can call it a painful realization. I was sitting watching the NCAA championship with so much going on through my head. I was excited, but was I? I was having fun, but was that really me? Being completely truthful, I realized that doing the right thing means being slammed when you least expect it. I have spent so much of my life, trying so hard to make a difference, and be someone that people look up to. I just want to be the guy that people wish their daughters could marry. I just wanted to not rely on my own power but in the grace of God. And when everything starts to feel like its working, it all starts to unravel. You sit here, and think about all the people you have done so much for, people you used to give so much of your life for. And where are they? Did they ever appreciate it? Everyone I've ever known has been in this game to get what they want, and what makes them feel better. I watched an amazing movie Requiem of a Dream the other day. Granted, its all about peoples lives spiraling out of control because of their dependence on drugs. But for some reason looking back I feel like my drug has always been trying to make people happy, and trying to make a difference through peoples lives by loving them and accepting them no matter what. I has never been easy. I have been so disappointed in so many of my friends and loved ones, but i still couldn't help but love them because "I knew they would do the same for me." In retrospect it feels like they used me to get them through something...or to do something they needed, or to help them achieve their goals. So I guess they wouldn't do the same for me. I'd hate to say it, but i think the lesson I've learned is that love is very, very rarely reciprocated when you truly need it. I think selflessness and loyalty and unconditional love is so hard to find, and the people who strive to give it end up being the only ones around when they need it. They are the people who stay on the Titanic helping everyone get off the ship, but when they need help, theres no one there to throw a rope. Its like the man who healed all those blind men, and they ran off and danced and never looked back, except for one. To be completely honest with you...I've got nothin'. I really don't know what to look forward to. The hardest part is that this has happened to me before, and I have decided to dig deep down to see what I really had to give, and I gave it. And a few miles down the road, I'm just where I was when I started. There's only a handful of things that I really value at this point. There's only a couple of people who have stuck around, and a majority of those people, have to by law. There's so many things that I really want to do with my life. I think I really know what I want. And it all includes helping people and loving people when nobody else will. I just want to be happy. I just want to have a love that I can feel, and see...and give everything I can possibly give for. I only need, one, just one of those blind people to come back and tell me thanks. I think that will be enough to keep me going.