Final Thoughts

I find myself asking the same questions. I don't really buy most of the answers. They just don't fit. Nothing adds up. I'm so tired of dealing with it. For the longest time I have done everything I could do to make things work. I spent an hour or so today reading all my blogs and emails, just trying to make sense. I'm just trying to figure out how I end up being the one that brought this on me. I am convinced of a couple things. I made a decision a long time ago that I didn't know carried so much weight. I thought nothing of it. I thought it was something that would end in time, and it keeps getting in the way. It's not anything bad. But it feels like the worst thing I could have ever done. Do I wish that things could have been different? Yes. But answering yes means having to give up everything that made me happy. And I am not willing to do that. It was a lose/lose situation, that I had no idea I was in. And of course, because I had no idea, I'm the one that loses in the end. I feel like I'm the only one having to deal with it. I wish i could hear otherwise, but it just doesn't seem so. I'm the only one looking for answers. I'm the only one trying to make sense of it all. And in the end I can see that I'm the only one that had my priorities straight. I hope that I never bring anyone else to this point, because its just not right. Its not at all fair, and I just pray that I am not the only one dealing with it. Now, or in the future. It will take its course.