Peeeeeeeves....

As I begin to see my life outside of retail taking shape, I'd like to use this moment to say a few things. Well...first of all, for the last...say....three years, I have been working a handful of retail jobs. I think it is a great environment to work in. I have had the honor to work along side some amazing people and the money isn't really all thaaaat bad. It has it's good times, and it's bad times. I have heard a lot of people who work in restaurants say that you never really understand why you tip waiters until you become one. I, Donovan, years ago, was a waiter for about a week...maybe two, and I really, really appreciate waiters. Ever since then, I have always tipped on the generous side, I never get upset when the food deviates slightly from my order, and I never assume I could do their job better than them. I have waited on horrible people, and I have devised plans in my mind to stab every inch of their bodies with a fork and/or toothpick. But people who work retail know how that feels. So here are a few of my pet peeves that I don't plan on having to deal with for much longer. But If you read this...please, try hard, not to become one of these people. If you work retail...I know you know where I'm coming from.

-The Price Watcher. There are always "those" people who care way too much about how much they spend on certain items. Like the kind of people that don't do the math before they come to the register. I could be wrong but, If I have 50 bucks to spend, I shop thinking "how much could I get with 50 bucks?". These people assume that everything they want will inevitably fit in their budget, and are so shocked when the stuff they pick out is out of their price range. It doesn't take a master's degree to figure out that a 40 dollar pair of jeans and a 20 dollar shirt is going to be a little more that 50 bucks. But these people bring that pair of jeans and shirt, along with another shirt, a belt and a pair of shoes. Its really, hard to believe that these people have made it this far in life without getting beaten numerous times. It's a shame that most of these people I'm talking about have kids that will eventually carry on these same traits. But...THE "Price Watcher" loves...and I mean LOVES...to buy sale items. It's like a heroin addict that likes heroin. They buy tons of it. And there is nothing wrong with that. I have been known to hit up the clearance section more often than not. I mean...why pay 20 for a shirt that will eventually become 5? The price watcher hoards handful's and handful's of this cheap merchandise and brings it up to you, usually asking you to verify that the price on the tag is actually the real price. And as you reassure them that this hard-to-believe truth is in fact true, they have to comment about each item. Sometimes is a positive "Wow! I can't believe that this jacket is 60% off of its original price." which leads them to an attempt to strike up a conversation about how the item must have something wrong with it. As you inspect the item thoroughly to calm their fears, they suddenly "see" a stain which usually turns out to be a piece of lint, that automatically qualifies the item for an additional discount. So once they decide to "go ahead and buy it anyway" they have to ask when your next sale is coming up, like you are they guy who decides how and when these sales happen. So these "price watchers" also like to bring the full price merchandise to the counter and as you ring them up, they inspect the little screen that shows the prices and appear stunned when the stuff rings up full price. This conversation usually follows:

PW: "Wait a second...That shirt is $19?"
Me: "Uh...hmm...thats what the tag says."
PW: "But those shirts in the back are $7.95!"
Me: "Yes they are. Where did you find this shirt?"
PW: "Up by the front"
Me: "So...the problem is?"
PW: "I just thought since those shirts ...."
Me: "Those shirts have stickers that say $7.95 on them. This one doesn't"
PW: "Okay. I guess. I could totally get this same shirt at Marshall's for much less."
Me: "No...No you can't"
PW: "Oh I most certainly can."
Me: "If you say so..."
PW: "That's exactly why I never shop at the mall. It's so overpriced."
Me: "Would you like to set down all those shopping bags so you don't have to hold them?"
PW: "Yes thank you."
Me: "Ahh... so, whats the verdict on the shirt?"
PW: "I guess I'll take it."
Me: "Yeah they probably ran out of them at Marshall's anyway."
PW: "Is that a hole I see in the shirt?"
Me: "Umm...yeah it actually is. It's the hole that the button goes through. "
PW: " Oh I thought... styles these days..."
Me: "Yeah...those strategically placed holes. Its a miracle everyone hasn't gotten pregnant."
PW: "You're telling me...my daughter's (pronounced duh-o-water's in that jersey italian accent) friend is pregnant and she's only 15."
Me: "She must shop here."

-The Return Artist. Some people have the nerve....to return EVERYTHING! I don't know. If I need a pair of jeans, I go to the store....buy a pair...and wear them. Often times that very same day! These people buy a pair...sometime between the purchase and breakfast the next morning, they realize that this pair of jeans isn't going to work for them. Or...It doesn't fit. It's funny because they tried the jeans on before they bought it, but today it doesn't fit. "Did you happen to eat a 46 pound bagel for breakfast with a little butter and cream cheese?. How were you a size 4 yesterday and today you can barely get the jeans around one of your legs?" I think I actually said that once. I don't understand returns. Sometimes...I return stuff. I'm not gonna be a hypocrite! If i am rushed, i may buy a couple shirts with my pair of jeans without thinking much about it, and i may decide that one of those shirts just isn't my style. But never have I bought 6 items, only to return to the store a week later to get my money back for ALL 6 items. I don't understand why people do that. Sometimes, and this is my favorite, they buy merchandise online...never even take it out of it's plastic wrapper....in some cases the box...and return it. WTF? That's just uncalled for. What made you change your mind? Why didn't you at least try it on? Look it...returns are such a hassle. I just wish that people would think a little bit when they buy stuff. It's understandable if its a gift...and you just aren't jiving with aunt mary margarita's taste in casual wear. It's also pretty acceptable if you get a rash or skin disease from an article of clothing. But think before you buy. I would rather you not buy anything...then spend a thousand dollars and return everything. Because in the end...you're not gonna buy anything anyway. If you do return a lot of stuff, I just want you to know....A LOT of people hate you.

-The "The World Revolves around You" lady-I had never in my life been snapped at until i started working retail. And no, I'm not talking about someone having a short fuse and being snippy. I'm talking about a actual snap. With your thumb and middle finger. Like a SNAP crackle pop kind of snap. Or waved at from across the store. Look....odds are I am doing something that is way more important that you getting exactly what you want right this very second. You think that is supposed to be "customer's first" and technically it should. But if you give me attitude, you are suddenly at my mercy, and you probably aren't going to like what I'm going to do with that. I am going to get paid whether or not you get what you want. And I don't get paid enough to deal with impatient and selfish people. If you snap at me...I will take my time. If you wave at me from across the store...I will not see you. If you interrupt me while I am talking to another customer...I will make you the absolute lowest of my priorities. In a hurry? I'll make you wait even longer. It's ridiculous how childish, adults can be. The same parents that verbally abuse their kids for crying about not getting their way, cry to me EVERYDAY when they don't get what they want. I'm trying to do my job which is to make you happy, and I don't get tips...or commission, so the least you can do is breathe in...and breathe out, because I haven't seen anyone keel over and die because we didn't have your size in that sweatervest that wouldn't even look remotely attractive on you anyway. And if you have to wait in line for whatever reason...just leave the store and come back some other time. There are plenty of times during the week that it is slower than molasses in winter. so...it really isn't my fault if you end up waiting. We work way too hard to deal with people like that.

-Piggy McPigPigg. One of these days I am going to walk right into one of these customer's office's at work and just go crazy. Through stuff around, touch what I want to touch...sniff stuff. You know normal stuff that these people do everyday. I know how mother's work. If there is a mess in your house that wasn't created by you, you flip the funk out...and find whoever or whatever did this and make them bleed from their ears and wish that you and your husband never got so hopped up and made bad decisions that night back in the 80's. These are the same mothers who make you FOLD all your laundry and their laundry and grandma's laundry. I am not trying to be demeaning at all when i say that...I know that every mother on earth knows how to fold a shirt and clean up a mess. When you make a mess...clean it up. You would be furious, and think of me as an awful house guest if i roamed around your house and put stuff out of place and made messes with absolutely no regard to who and how it is going to get cleaned up. You don't have the right to make a mess where i work. It's not that hard to fold the shirt you just unfolded. I watched you...and I'll tell you right now, if you leave that mess there on that table, and you ask me to help you find something...we will magically no longer have any more of those shirts in the back, or the fitting rooms will magically be full. I get so stressed out when my workplace is a mess. And office job is easy, because it's up to me to keep it clean. But when I have to leave it up to you to keep me from being stressed out and you fail, I lose whatever desire i had to make your experience the best possible experience you could have.

I am great at customer service. I know how to make you happy. I know how to go the extra mile. And I am more than willing to do that for you, If you just show me a little respect. I know retail isn't the most glorious job in the world but someone has to do it. I know everyone that works retail feels the same way. If you want those associates to help you find what you're looking for...help them out a little. There's nothing more rewarding that making someone's day but you can't expect us to do that for you. Its a simple lesson that most of us learn at an early age...the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I don't think I am long for the retail world. But i will never forget the people i worked with. I will never shop the same way again. I definitely learned a lot of life lessons that i wish everyone could learn. I have seen a lot of people that I am determined not to be like when I get older and have my own kids. Just like when I go out to eat now...I am patient with the waiters and waitresses and tip them well even when they make mistakes. I think every time i entire a store, i will be mindful of how hard the employees work and try not to be a burden. I wish everyone could see that and be the same way.

Subtleties

Last Saturday, I spent the day in New York. It was an amazing day. I went to Yankee Stadium on the day Alex Rodriguez belted his 500th career homerun. I even had tickets! But I didn't go to the game. I had my tickets passed off to somebody who didn't even make it to the game in time for the homerun. I however made it to the stadium right in time for the ninth inning, because I had to deliver a video I made to someone who was at the game. So with the city abuzz, I wandered the streets of Manhattan with a few of my friends. There is something about the city that makes you forget about everything going on everywhere else in the world, and think about...nothing. Wandered through the park. Went to Chinatown. Had dinner in Times Square. Wandered again through Soho and back down to Little Italy. There wasn't an agenda. No goals. Nothing that needed to be done. Just enjoying life with a couple of amazing people. So...That day I had a minor epiphany. The last few years I have found myself setting so many goals. Making so many plans that I knew would never come true. Having so many of these so called "epiphanies" that would change my life for a few days and then change itself a few days later.

I think I need to erase my goals for a little while. I don't mean losing all inspiration or ambition, but just focus on what I need to do right now. I'm such a dreamer. I need to focus on structure. I have so many things come together over the last few weeks. So many of my dreams came back into reality. Things, while not at all organized, are becoming so much clearer. I really do feel happy, about where I am, and what I'm doing. It's really interesting how life works. So I am going to focus on the few priorities that I have, and revolve the rest of my life around them. I figure thats how I should have been doing it the whole time. We'll see how things go. Right now, I am going to watch the end of American Psycho ( an amazing flick) and go to bed. Tomorrow I have a few things to do, but other than that life will be what life always has been and always will be. That is, of course, unpredictable.