Sooo hot

I forgot how hot it gets in Florida. Uggh...it has rained the last couple of days and today it was way too humid. The kind of humid when a warm shower actually makes you dirtier. The kind of humid where inanimate objects sweat. Florida is nice though...so...anyway...i have been doing a ton of thinking the past few days. Life is so random. I have way to many decisions to make over the next week or so. Haha...I hate how, ridiculously ambiguous I make these blogs. I don't know...I try to get out what I want to say without leaving any details. I don't know why. I guess I just don't know who is reading or how they are taking it, so i try not to let the cat out of the bag I guess you could say. Anyway, things have been falling through with record consistency and its making me wonder what I'm supposed to do. I have been praying a lot over the last few months as to what I am supposed to do. It's not like I am depressed and can't manage to find a place where I am happy. In fact its the exact opposite. I can't figure out what to do because every option makes complete sense and I could live with all of them. Its like sitting at the table in Applebee's and im trying to figure out which appetizer to order. I love the boneless buffalo wings, and I have had a lot of success with that, so I can't go wrong there. Granted, it doesn't always sit well an hour down the road but it's so good that I am willing to sacrifice. Or...there is mozzarella sticks. So good, but not always that filling. The person sitting next to me wants me to order the Nachos Nuevos, and that is a lot of food and I could share, but for some reason I want Onion peels! They are cheap, and taste a lot like Bloomin' Onions from Outback and I love those! Too bad the sampler is so expensive and isn't included in the late night 1/2 off deal.

There you go, thats pretty much the decision im trying to make. Well its a lot more complicated then Applebee's. I can't remember the last time I prayed about which appetizer to get, and this decision has a lot more riding on it. But much like at Applebee's the food is going to taste good no matter which one I order, and i think the only thing that truly matters is who im eating with. I'll leave the restaurant happy either way. So here I am, trying to figure out so much stuff and it feels like God isn't hinting at any option as being a better one. Every one has its benefits, and I can see myself being very happy 10 years from now no matter which road I choose. The only part that sucks is that, the longer I wait, the less the options remain available. I wish I could pick one tonight, and move in that direction immediately. That would be neat. I wonder if God reads blogs? God, if your reading this, just comment and let me know what to order. Thanks! ;)

Closure

This weekend was amazing. I spent a little time in a place where I felt at home. I was literally a few thousand miles away from my problems and I had a better time than I have in a really really long time. Its just weird how a change of scenery can give you such a different perspective on things. I was so stressed out and I managed to block all that out, and have fun. I am so proud of my friend Tim, who got married this weekend. I am ready to find that. I am ready to find someone who I can start over with, and be happy with from day 1. I want to be in love again. I said a few days ago that I wanted to fight, and i did. But the more I fight, the more i feel like this isn't something worth fighting for. The harder I fight, the worse I feel. And I know that's not how this is supposed to be. I regret how mature I was during the bad times, but I know that whoever steals my heart next will get one that has learned by trying. One that is tried and true. One that is "selfless" and one that will love no matter what. I know I wasn't appreciated and I don't deserve that. The one girl who God has waiting for me, won't take that for granted, I won't let her. She will fight for my heart, while I fight for hers. Her family will love me, and they will really want the opportunity to see who I really am. I will prove myself, and try my hardest to make my next one, the last one. It's hard to walk away with things wide open, but I know that there's some amazing girl out there, who is dying to be found. And that is reason enough for me to go looking. I am committing to that.

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow I am leaving the "great" state of New Jersey, for I'm not sure how long. I had a little mix-up with my airline tickets, since I am flying out to be in one of my best friend's wedding tomorrow, and ended up having to fly up here to NJ to fly out to go see him. So i made a little vacation out of it. Of course when I planned it, there were much more exciting expectations put on this weekend. But, anyway, tomorrow I'm leaving and I want to be happy and just move on to whatever's next. It was a really good weekend don't get me wrong, but it was a good taste of where I stand. I mean having to adjust to a whole new environment while having to deal with all sorts of bad things, was rough, but being back here and spending a few days comparing and contrasting, I feel like I know whats going on with me. I guess you can call it a painful realization. I was sitting watching the NCAA championship with so much going on through my head. I was excited, but was I? I was having fun, but was that really me? Being completely truthful, I realized that doing the right thing means being slammed when you least expect it. I have spent so much of my life, trying so hard to make a difference, and be someone that people look up to. I just want to be the guy that people wish their daughters could marry. I just wanted to not rely on my own power but in the grace of God. And when everything starts to feel like its working, it all starts to unravel. You sit here, and think about all the people you have done so much for, people you used to give so much of your life for. And where are they? Did they ever appreciate it? Everyone I've ever known has been in this game to get what they want, and what makes them feel better. I watched an amazing movie Requiem of a Dream the other day. Granted, its all about peoples lives spiraling out of control because of their dependence on drugs. But for some reason looking back I feel like my drug has always been trying to make people happy, and trying to make a difference through peoples lives by loving them and accepting them no matter what. I has never been easy. I have been so disappointed in so many of my friends and loved ones, but i still couldn't help but love them because "I knew they would do the same for me." In retrospect it feels like they used me to get them through something...or to do something they needed, or to help them achieve their goals. So I guess they wouldn't do the same for me. I'd hate to say it, but i think the lesson I've learned is that love is very, very rarely reciprocated when you truly need it. I think selflessness and loyalty and unconditional love is so hard to find, and the people who strive to give it end up being the only ones around when they need it. They are the people who stay on the Titanic helping everyone get off the ship, but when they need help, theres no one there to throw a rope. Its like the man who healed all those blind men, and they ran off and danced and never looked back, except for one. To be completely honest with you...I've got nothin'. I really don't know what to look forward to. The hardest part is that this has happened to me before, and I have decided to dig deep down to see what I really had to give, and I gave it. And a few miles down the road, I'm just where I was when I started. There's only a handful of things that I really value at this point. There's only a couple of people who have stuck around, and a majority of those people, have to by law. There's so many things that I really want to do with my life. I think I really know what I want. And it all includes helping people and loving people when nobody else will. I just want to be happy. I just want to have a love that I can feel, and see...and give everything I can possibly give for. I only need, one, just one of those blind people to come back and tell me thanks. I think that will be enough to keep me going.