Reflections.

There's something all too familiar about seasons. Apparently scent is the strongest sense tied to memory, but every sense has it's amazing moments that catch you off guard, either in a really good way, or in a way that shakes you up a little. You have a deja-vu moment where you swear you are looking at a photo of something that has most striking resemblance of another time and place. You hear a song that takes you back to an important moment or hear a voice that sounds like someone you miss and all the sudden you are back. Or just physical feelings. Like wind cutting through you, all the while taking you to a place where you were you remember in all too much detail you doing something, with someone, somewhere with that same cold feeling of either excitement or pain. It's funny how your mind can take you back in an instant, faster than a switch turns on a light or a snuffed out candle can darken an entire room. You weren't thinking about anything close to this, and all the sudden you are reliving one of the more joyous or most gut wrenching moments that brought you where you are and made you who you are today.

The most amazing thing is when your mind can instantly prompt these feelings, and you can instantly tell that you have, in fact, overcome these memories. It's sad, that a memory can be replaced by another, but if a memory becomes replaceable you know that you are coming full circle and are no longer controlled by your minds impulses of that moment. Feelings and memories can become separate of each other. It's actually a neat moment when you can embrace people from your past that may have hurt you, or incidents that have altered your life in a dramatic way. I used to think that it was productive to compare current feelings and emotions to old ones. But, once you see that you have grown and matured, it no longer becomes necessary. I don't need to prove to myself that the way I feel today is different than the way I felt last year at this very moment, or the year before that. What matters is how I feel now. The only time this ever has negative effects is when you try to recreate the emotions and the feelings that time has left behind. Time changes, people change. It's a fact of life. Memories are a beautiful thing because they preserve YOU. You can look back and relive experiences and feelings without going through the trouble of effecting your current experiences and feelings.

Emotions are a tricky thing. I can't quite figure those out. Why do they change too quickly? What memories are worth reliving and which ones are ready to be replaced?

Here's the thing. I love where I am, and I love where I've been. I love who I am, and I love who I was. So fortunately, I have the opportunity to be here now on the verge of something awesome and be able to fully appreciate where and who I was. Even if now and then are polar opposites. Icicles.

The Fragility of Life

There are a few things in life that make you stop dead in your tracks and think. They are moments you never think about, and never expect until it happens, and then that moment can change your life. The last few years, I have been thinking and learning a lot about life. The more life that I have stored underneath my belt, the more I have become to appreciate every single day, because I have no idea when my life will be taken. Tonight I had a few people over my apartment to celebrate the birthday of a new friend of mine, and in the middle of all the fun and laughter, I had a strange urge to check my myspace. I haven't really used it much lately, and i decided just to make sure nobody had commented or anything on my page. When I looked I saw a couple comment approvals and a message from my sister. As soon as i opened it I immediately saw the name "Matt Prosoco" right smack in the midst of a bunch of blurry words, and without reading any of those words, I got a sudden chill throughout my entire body. I was afraid to read the rest of the message.

I haven't heard from my friend Matt in a long time. Since my senior year of high school, when I flew out to New Mexico for my birthday to see some old friends. We weren't best friends by any stretch of the imagination, but Matt is one of those people that you can't help but laugh when you think about. So humorous and so full of life. I didn't really get to know him until my sophomore year of high school, when I made the varsity basketball team that he was one of the stars of. I remember right after the tip off of every game, somehow the ball always made it's way to him and he never missed that layup off the same backboard that always made the loudest metal clanging noise anytime a ball hit it. It was like clock work. No matter who we played, you could bet on the fact that #15 was going to put us up 2-0. That 2000-2001 Community Christian School basketball team has a lot to do with who I am today. I used to spend a lot of time with my best friend Tim who was really good friends with Matt and his friend John. I was the little sophomore and they were the Juniors and Seniors i looked up to, and was lucky enough to tag along with. There were a lot of Friday and Saturday nights where we would all kill time hanging out, or watching movies or getting into trouble up in the mountains. So many memorable basketball trips. I remember one game in particular. It was right after I had somehow scored 10 points in a minute and a half to win a game, and the next game, my coach didn't put me in for a single play in a loss. After the game, I was furious. I remember talking with Matt after the game about how upset I was, and he stood up for me and went and talked to the coach about how I deserved a chance to play. The next game, On Senior Night, I started right next to Matt and the three other graduating seniors and had one of the best games of my life scoring 14 points. That was the last basketball game I ever played in, and I am pretty sure that was his last game too. It wasn't much but that is a memory that I will never forget.

It was hard to believe that as I read the rest of the myspace message, I was left to deal with the fact that one of my friends was gone. Matt was killed early this morning in a car accident on his way to work. It's hard to get that kind of news, about someone who never had it easy, but always made the most of it. His myspace headline reads "Today is a day that anything can happen." I wish, more than anything for his wife and two kids, that what happened today can be changed. But I know that He is in heaven and that's a lot better then here, and the only thing I can do take this as a lesson that life is way too short to not take advantage of every opportunity you have, and pray for God's comfort and blessings on his family. Matt, I'll never forget the way you used to always say "What Up Dink ?!?" anytime you saw me. You were a great friend and one I can never forget. I wish I never lost contact with you, but I appreciate all you ever did for me or said. See you in heaven.

Sweep Me Away

Im standing in this valley, broken down all alone
I haven't seen the sun for so many days
I'm clinging to the promise of a mountaintop
But right now Lord I'd settle for some rain

"There's a blessing in the valley" I cry out in faith
But my mind begins to wonder If I'll ever see that day
I know that seasons are expected but winter leads to spring
So I will thank You in the middle of everything

Sweep Me Away, by Your great love
Cover my life in your Holy flood
Let the currents of change carry away
All of my questions my doubt and my pain
Deliver my life from this valley I pray
Sweep me away...

Peeeeeeeves....

As I begin to see my life outside of retail taking shape, I'd like to use this moment to say a few things. Well...first of all, for the last...say....three years, I have been working a handful of retail jobs. I think it is a great environment to work in. I have had the honor to work along side some amazing people and the money isn't really all thaaaat bad. It has it's good times, and it's bad times. I have heard a lot of people who work in restaurants say that you never really understand why you tip waiters until you become one. I, Donovan, years ago, was a waiter for about a week...maybe two, and I really, really appreciate waiters. Ever since then, I have always tipped on the generous side, I never get upset when the food deviates slightly from my order, and I never assume I could do their job better than them. I have waited on horrible people, and I have devised plans in my mind to stab every inch of their bodies with a fork and/or toothpick. But people who work retail know how that feels. So here are a few of my pet peeves that I don't plan on having to deal with for much longer. But If you read this...please, try hard, not to become one of these people. If you work retail...I know you know where I'm coming from.

-The Price Watcher. There are always "those" people who care way too much about how much they spend on certain items. Like the kind of people that don't do the math before they come to the register. I could be wrong but, If I have 50 bucks to spend, I shop thinking "how much could I get with 50 bucks?". These people assume that everything they want will inevitably fit in their budget, and are so shocked when the stuff they pick out is out of their price range. It doesn't take a master's degree to figure out that a 40 dollar pair of jeans and a 20 dollar shirt is going to be a little more that 50 bucks. But these people bring that pair of jeans and shirt, along with another shirt, a belt and a pair of shoes. Its really, hard to believe that these people have made it this far in life without getting beaten numerous times. It's a shame that most of these people I'm talking about have kids that will eventually carry on these same traits. But...THE "Price Watcher" loves...and I mean LOVES...to buy sale items. It's like a heroin addict that likes heroin. They buy tons of it. And there is nothing wrong with that. I have been known to hit up the clearance section more often than not. I mean...why pay 20 for a shirt that will eventually become 5? The price watcher hoards handful's and handful's of this cheap merchandise and brings it up to you, usually asking you to verify that the price on the tag is actually the real price. And as you reassure them that this hard-to-believe truth is in fact true, they have to comment about each item. Sometimes is a positive "Wow! I can't believe that this jacket is 60% off of its original price." which leads them to an attempt to strike up a conversation about how the item must have something wrong with it. As you inspect the item thoroughly to calm their fears, they suddenly "see" a stain which usually turns out to be a piece of lint, that automatically qualifies the item for an additional discount. So once they decide to "go ahead and buy it anyway" they have to ask when your next sale is coming up, like you are they guy who decides how and when these sales happen. So these "price watchers" also like to bring the full price merchandise to the counter and as you ring them up, they inspect the little screen that shows the prices and appear stunned when the stuff rings up full price. This conversation usually follows:

PW: "Wait a second...That shirt is $19?"
Me: "Uh...hmm...thats what the tag says."
PW: "But those shirts in the back are $7.95!"
Me: "Yes they are. Where did you find this shirt?"
PW: "Up by the front"
Me: "So...the problem is?"
PW: "I just thought since those shirts ...."
Me: "Those shirts have stickers that say $7.95 on them. This one doesn't"
PW: "Okay. I guess. I could totally get this same shirt at Marshall's for much less."
Me: "No...No you can't"
PW: "Oh I most certainly can."
Me: "If you say so..."
PW: "That's exactly why I never shop at the mall. It's so overpriced."
Me: "Would you like to set down all those shopping bags so you don't have to hold them?"
PW: "Yes thank you."
Me: "Ahh... so, whats the verdict on the shirt?"
PW: "I guess I'll take it."
Me: "Yeah they probably ran out of them at Marshall's anyway."
PW: "Is that a hole I see in the shirt?"
Me: "Umm...yeah it actually is. It's the hole that the button goes through. "
PW: " Oh I thought... styles these days..."
Me: "Yeah...those strategically placed holes. Its a miracle everyone hasn't gotten pregnant."
PW: "You're telling me...my daughter's (pronounced duh-o-water's in that jersey italian accent) friend is pregnant and she's only 15."
Me: "She must shop here."

-The Return Artist. Some people have the nerve....to return EVERYTHING! I don't know. If I need a pair of jeans, I go to the store....buy a pair...and wear them. Often times that very same day! These people buy a pair...sometime between the purchase and breakfast the next morning, they realize that this pair of jeans isn't going to work for them. Or...It doesn't fit. It's funny because they tried the jeans on before they bought it, but today it doesn't fit. "Did you happen to eat a 46 pound bagel for breakfast with a little butter and cream cheese?. How were you a size 4 yesterday and today you can barely get the jeans around one of your legs?" I think I actually said that once. I don't understand returns. Sometimes...I return stuff. I'm not gonna be a hypocrite! If i am rushed, i may buy a couple shirts with my pair of jeans without thinking much about it, and i may decide that one of those shirts just isn't my style. But never have I bought 6 items, only to return to the store a week later to get my money back for ALL 6 items. I don't understand why people do that. Sometimes, and this is my favorite, they buy merchandise online...never even take it out of it's plastic wrapper....in some cases the box...and return it. WTF? That's just uncalled for. What made you change your mind? Why didn't you at least try it on? Look it...returns are such a hassle. I just wish that people would think a little bit when they buy stuff. It's understandable if its a gift...and you just aren't jiving with aunt mary margarita's taste in casual wear. It's also pretty acceptable if you get a rash or skin disease from an article of clothing. But think before you buy. I would rather you not buy anything...then spend a thousand dollars and return everything. Because in the end...you're not gonna buy anything anyway. If you do return a lot of stuff, I just want you to know....A LOT of people hate you.

-The "The World Revolves around You" lady-I had never in my life been snapped at until i started working retail. And no, I'm not talking about someone having a short fuse and being snippy. I'm talking about a actual snap. With your thumb and middle finger. Like a SNAP crackle pop kind of snap. Or waved at from across the store. Look....odds are I am doing something that is way more important that you getting exactly what you want right this very second. You think that is supposed to be "customer's first" and technically it should. But if you give me attitude, you are suddenly at my mercy, and you probably aren't going to like what I'm going to do with that. I am going to get paid whether or not you get what you want. And I don't get paid enough to deal with impatient and selfish people. If you snap at me...I will take my time. If you wave at me from across the store...I will not see you. If you interrupt me while I am talking to another customer...I will make you the absolute lowest of my priorities. In a hurry? I'll make you wait even longer. It's ridiculous how childish, adults can be. The same parents that verbally abuse their kids for crying about not getting their way, cry to me EVERYDAY when they don't get what they want. I'm trying to do my job which is to make you happy, and I don't get tips...or commission, so the least you can do is breathe in...and breathe out, because I haven't seen anyone keel over and die because we didn't have your size in that sweatervest that wouldn't even look remotely attractive on you anyway. And if you have to wait in line for whatever reason...just leave the store and come back some other time. There are plenty of times during the week that it is slower than molasses in winter. so...it really isn't my fault if you end up waiting. We work way too hard to deal with people like that.

-Piggy McPigPigg. One of these days I am going to walk right into one of these customer's office's at work and just go crazy. Through stuff around, touch what I want to touch...sniff stuff. You know normal stuff that these people do everyday. I know how mother's work. If there is a mess in your house that wasn't created by you, you flip the funk out...and find whoever or whatever did this and make them bleed from their ears and wish that you and your husband never got so hopped up and made bad decisions that night back in the 80's. These are the same mothers who make you FOLD all your laundry and their laundry and grandma's laundry. I am not trying to be demeaning at all when i say that...I know that every mother on earth knows how to fold a shirt and clean up a mess. When you make a mess...clean it up. You would be furious, and think of me as an awful house guest if i roamed around your house and put stuff out of place and made messes with absolutely no regard to who and how it is going to get cleaned up. You don't have the right to make a mess where i work. It's not that hard to fold the shirt you just unfolded. I watched you...and I'll tell you right now, if you leave that mess there on that table, and you ask me to help you find something...we will magically no longer have any more of those shirts in the back, or the fitting rooms will magically be full. I get so stressed out when my workplace is a mess. And office job is easy, because it's up to me to keep it clean. But when I have to leave it up to you to keep me from being stressed out and you fail, I lose whatever desire i had to make your experience the best possible experience you could have.

I am great at customer service. I know how to make you happy. I know how to go the extra mile. And I am more than willing to do that for you, If you just show me a little respect. I know retail isn't the most glorious job in the world but someone has to do it. I know everyone that works retail feels the same way. If you want those associates to help you find what you're looking for...help them out a little. There's nothing more rewarding that making someone's day but you can't expect us to do that for you. Its a simple lesson that most of us learn at an early age...the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I don't think I am long for the retail world. But i will never forget the people i worked with. I will never shop the same way again. I definitely learned a lot of life lessons that i wish everyone could learn. I have seen a lot of people that I am determined not to be like when I get older and have my own kids. Just like when I go out to eat now...I am patient with the waiters and waitresses and tip them well even when they make mistakes. I think every time i entire a store, i will be mindful of how hard the employees work and try not to be a burden. I wish everyone could see that and be the same way.

Subtleties

Last Saturday, I spent the day in New York. It was an amazing day. I went to Yankee Stadium on the day Alex Rodriguez belted his 500th career homerun. I even had tickets! But I didn't go to the game. I had my tickets passed off to somebody who didn't even make it to the game in time for the homerun. I however made it to the stadium right in time for the ninth inning, because I had to deliver a video I made to someone who was at the game. So with the city abuzz, I wandered the streets of Manhattan with a few of my friends. There is something about the city that makes you forget about everything going on everywhere else in the world, and think about...nothing. Wandered through the park. Went to Chinatown. Had dinner in Times Square. Wandered again through Soho and back down to Little Italy. There wasn't an agenda. No goals. Nothing that needed to be done. Just enjoying life with a couple of amazing people. So...That day I had a minor epiphany. The last few years I have found myself setting so many goals. Making so many plans that I knew would never come true. Having so many of these so called "epiphanies" that would change my life for a few days and then change itself a few days later.

I think I need to erase my goals for a little while. I don't mean losing all inspiration or ambition, but just focus on what I need to do right now. I'm such a dreamer. I need to focus on structure. I have so many things come together over the last few weeks. So many of my dreams came back into reality. Things, while not at all organized, are becoming so much clearer. I really do feel happy, about where I am, and what I'm doing. It's really interesting how life works. So I am going to focus on the few priorities that I have, and revolve the rest of my life around them. I figure thats how I should have been doing it the whole time. We'll see how things go. Right now, I am going to watch the end of American Psycho ( an amazing flick) and go to bed. Tomorrow I have a few things to do, but other than that life will be what life always has been and always will be. That is, of course, unpredictable.

I'll take a sunset and a kiss please.

Third time's a charm huh? I am back (think AC/DC as an intro) in New Jersey. This is the third time I have up and moved to New Jersey. One was a brilliant success, and one was a major disappointment. I've seen it all, I've experienced the highs and lows, I have experienced love and loneliness. I've been to the shore. I've seen black snow. I have seen the World's Smallest Horse which makes me dry heave when i think about its poor soul being couped up in a little cage. I wouldn't say that I love New Jersey. It's sentimental, but I don't at all love it. I don't know why I came back. I didn't want to, I was happy for once in my life, and I really felt like I was finally over this place. But then I decided to come back. For those of you who don't know why, I am finally going to tell you. My first year in New Jersey was one of the best years of my life. The way everything worked out, and how I learned and matured so much. I can't explain in words how the people around me shaped me into who I am today. Just the experiences, and memories changed my life for the better. But then when the year was over, I faced the decision of whether to stay in Jersey, or go back home to Florida. I picked Florida. I missed it. I missed my family. I was afraid of what would happen if i stayed here. So i went back...and within 6 months realized that in time, people and places change. But instead of sucking it up and dealing with it...I turned back around and came back up here. So..i guess the previous lesson of time changing people and places hadn't really clicked, because the same thing had happened back here. That genuine excitement from before became a shallow surface level facade. I wasn't the same person. Realizing that I was nowhere near anything comfortable, I started to change myself. I guess a better word would be adapt. The people who I thought cared about me didn't and the people that I cared about were miles away from here. I was stuck, and alone, and pretty much clung to whatever was comfortable. I didn't want anything else to change, and as time went by I changed. New Jersey became a place that I hated. A place that bled me dry. There was only one person that I honestly regretted leaving, and I told myself that they would be the only person I would come back for. Just days before I left here, I made a promise to myself that I was going to come back for them. It was the only time in my life that I have made a promise like that. I knew that If i didn't I was never going to come back. So once i realized that, I left. Within days, without notice to many people, I went back to Florida. I didn't expect anything to happen there. I just wanted to detox myself from the past year and a half of my life. I had to do it quick. And i did. It was one of the better 4 months of my life. I was around people who didn't judge me. I was around people who supported me no matter what. I was around people who laughed when I made some pretty horrible/awesome decisions. I met people, and truly became friends with so many people immediately. The night i left Florida...I was heartbroken. I had become attached to so many people. I smiled and laughed more in those 4 months than I ever have before. My family became my favorite thing on earth. I made real friends. People that I will miss every single day. But I had to come back here. I had to prove to myself that I am capable of fulfilling my dreams. I had to prove that I can follow through with my promises. I had to prove that I can do anything I set my mind to. I had to renew my mind, and I did that. I have to end on good terms with this state before I can move on. There's nothing for me here that I can't find anywhere else, but that's not a good enough reason to give up. I won't ever give up, until I have achieved my goals. I don't care what people say...or think. But anyway thats why I'm here.

Now that I'm here, I feel like things are headed in the right direction. It's hard but, it's nothing i didn't expect. I have seen everyone I needed and wanted to see. And so hopefully the "Welcome Back" phase can end, so I can get life back to normal. But I'm here, and I know I need to be here.

Have you ever?

I kinda forgot this thing existed there for a while. I guess because i had some bad experiences there for a while. Truth is...I don't know why. Its funny how you can experience something that makes you re-evaluate everything in your life, and then once you get done re-evaluating you realize that the whole problem that you encountered in the first place, wasn't really that bad. You can spend so much of your time investing in stuff. Dreams. Ambitions. Love. But in the end, if you don't spend your time investing in the right things, you will end up with nothing. Well, see, thats what i thought. Life is one huge series of challenges after another. It's how you get through them that counts. I feel like I am so much more mature than i was, say, two years ago. I know that amazing things can come out of the pain and heartbreak that comes with some of those challenges, so now i can see that pain is temporary. You hit those valleys that bring you down so low, but once you are coming back up the mountain just waiting for things to peak again, you can see that it was worth it. That obviously what you thought was "it", wasn't. Wasn't even close. You realize that in the strangest of things. In people you barely even notice on most days. It's weird how i am reminded constantly of the person I used to be before i let myself get off track, and the person i dream of getting back to. I used to be unashamed of my dreams. I used to be myself to everyone. I used to be passionate about the stuff that really makes a difference in other peoples lives. I have an image in my head of who i want to be, and most of the stuff I am chasing right now is such a huge waste of time. But, I know that everything in my life is making me realize how truly amazing and how fun life really is. I don't need anything to see that. I don't need someone by my side, eventually i feel like that will come in handy, but for now, its not appealing, because last time i lost myself in the shuffle. I'm not gonna let anything distract me this time around.