Happy Sandwich Day!

Today is sandwich day. Yesterday was mothers day. Tomorrow is my dad's birthday. So today is sandwich day. I just wanted to explain that to you....yeah im really weird. I have been in a huge get in shape kick. Im not fat. I got rid of that a couple months ago. I'm just lazy. I was telling my parents today that I think im ready to retire! im only 22 and im not even done with college, but I am ready to collect my social security check and buy my condo on the beach like the rest of the state of Florida.

So the picture above is from New Mexico. The day before Easter when I was out for my best friend Tim's wedding, me and my brother drove around our old stomping grounds, and this was one of the stops we had to see. This is where I learned to play baseball. That mound was where I spent much of my childhood. Throwing fastballs night after night. I remember when I played games on that field, I used to imagine that the mountains behind were huge grandstands, of people packed in to watch me play. It was amazing being back on that field. So much smaller than i remember it. They changed the infield grass to artificial turf, because it is impossible to grow grass in New Mexico. I remember one season, me and my brother got drafted by two different teams. The best team in the league and the worst team. My parents made us play for the worst team because they felt bad. So the entire season, this is how it went: my friend mark would get a hit to lead off, i would get a hit that would bring him home to score, and my brother would hit a homerun, and the rest of the 1o kids on the team would strike out behind us. By that time, the opposing team would have run up 10 runs, which in little league they have the "mercy rule" or the "10 run rule" which meant that if a team took a 10 run lead on your team, they would call it off. Yeah...I was the pitcher, but my outfielders used to pretend they were Power Rangers in the outfield and would wear their gloves on their head. My second basemen would think that he had to stand on second base. I pitched, Mark was the catcher, and my brother was the first basemen. And the rest of the team...thought they were playing dodge ball. If a ball came their direction they ran. That was one of the more memorable seasons i played. I remember one game it was so cold we lit a fire in the trash can to keep warm. Ahh...those were the days. In all my days of pitching...i only allowed two home runs. They both came in the same game. I was 11, and this kid was like 6'4" and had a goatee. He hit the ball harder than I have ever seen anyone hit. He could hit the ball, run around the bases and be back in the dugout before the ball even landed. At least thats what it felt like. A week later, the league found out that this kid was an illegal alien from mexico and was actually 19. No wonder he hit the ball 450 feet. True story. I swear on that.

Yesterday...me and my brother went to play baseball at a nearby high school field. Its been over a year since i played last, or even swung a bat for that matter. At first, i must have looked retarded. I swung about a half hour late on every pitch. There was a three year old kid watching, and i was actually embarassed. I missed everything. I finally got a piece of one and it hit the little knub at the end of the bat, and went about 6 inches. I wanted to cry. But finally i settled down got loose, and hit the most beautiful ball that i think has ever been hit. Well it felt like it. It actually rolled over the top of the wall. But it was a home run. A few swings later i got a piece of another one that made the first one look like a texas leaguer. It was by far the farthest ball I have ever hit. Yeah...I only hit two out yesterday, but i cant describe how good it felt to hit the baseball again. My brother beat me, he had three. But even pitching the ball to him was exciting. My mom and dad even came out to watch us hit. They never do that. Last night I felt great and today I feel like a 85 year old man. Soooo sore.

Anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if no one reads that whole thing. I just had to write about it. I love my life right now. I am me! I sat down today and wrote out what i am going to do with my life. They are goals, that I want to achieve over the next five years. All of them are mine. I didn't base them on anyone else, or anyone else's expectations for me. That is a huge step. For some reason I have a confidence that I have never had before. I know everything is going to work out. I am just so happy to be here, and so happy that you took the time to read this whole novel. Happy Sandwich Day

Getting the "W"

Its a lot easier to be the one on the losing end. In anything. in life, in sports, in monopoly. It does come with disappointment, but in the end there is a lot less to live up to. You don't have to work as hard to maintain anything, because you don't have anything to prove. Yeah, its nice to win. I've had some amazing victories, but when you keep on winning, the pressure continues to mount until you lose. Then all the sudden losing seems so much bigger than it actually is. It eats at you a lot more. It makes you feel like you can never win again. Even when you do win again, it doesn't feel right. Not until you are back to where you were before. Theres just something about winning night after night, going home with the same feeling. A feeling of complete satisfaction. You carry such a confidence about you that you don't feel like you can ever lose. You know that you can. You know that it's only a matter of time before you do. But for some strange reason, it doesn't matter. You may not even do all that well. You may struggle...a lot, but somehow you can still manage to pull out wins. There is just something about confidence that makes it easier to win. Even in every other aspect in life you feel that confidence. Waking up in the morning is such a refreshing feeling. Walking outside feels amazing. Everything is so much more stimulating, and you find satisfaction in the little things. It's where you become intrigued by simplicity. You fall in love with everything. When you win, you laugh more, you smile more, you tend to do more that you wouldn't normally do. Everybody is cheering you on. You celebrate more, you give more. Pizza tastes better. Showers feel so much better. The winter air really doesn't seem all that cold. Everything even smells better. Its like your senses awaken, and everything in life becomes one big celebration after another.

No wonder losing is so hard. It burns you out. It makes everything feel so plain. Suddenly your fans start to question you, and aren't as faithful as they used to be. Everything becomes so conditional. Everything suddenly takes longer. Especially waking up. You don't keep doing the things that you normally would do. Everything changes. Even when you find a way to string together a couple wins, they just don't feel the same. It's almost like the wins begin to feel like losses. You feel like giving up. Everything becomes more of a routine. I think that is what I find the strangest about losing. When you are winning you are far more likely to try new things. But when you start losing, everything becomes more routine. You'd think that when everything starts going right, you would keep doing the same thing. And when things aren't going that well, you would start doing new things to turn it around. You just get stuck in the same old thing. You would literally do anything to taste victory again. Reminiscing makes you feel so happy. It should! You were doing so well. But every time you reminisce, you compare what used to be, with what suddenly is. And thats a pretty empty feeling. Winning sets a standard, that it feels like you can never repeat. When you start to get a few wins here and there, that standard is set so high that you still don't feel the same way.

I would pretty much do anything to have the chance to go back and play sports again. To condition myself to be the best athlete that i can be. It used to make me so happy. It used to be a drug. It made winning and losing seem so physical. Like when you lose, you just work a little harder. When you win, you feel like you can do anything. I just want to taste victory again...and smell it. And know its always there. And feel like all my hard work is paying off. To win, feels so good.

"It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take

What's mine is yours to make your own"

Enough of this hippy depressing crap i tend to write! I think i figured it out. Well not really. I mean i dont know what I'm gonna do yet. But I had an epiphany...I always look for answers. Im always looking for a reason of why things are happening. It is a good thing at times, and then again it makes me miserable at other times. There are 3 factors when looking at a problem. There is the mind (finding a logical explanation), heart (dealing with the emotional details first) and then there is being completely mindless/heartless and seeking somebody else for how to deal with things. There are a number of different things that you can do when seeking advice, you can ask somebody who has a completely biased opinion (and usually they have never dealt with things before because if they had they would no that there isnt any concrete way that works in every situation), you can ask someone who has dealt with this before and has been successful, or for "spiritual people" you can find "spiritual guidance". I am more of a logical person. I look for reasons. Im the guy who assumes a lot of stuff. I do ask advice however. My own personal favorite is someone who has been there before, and knows how it feels. My problem, is that if it doesnt add up to my idea or what im thinking, i dismiss it until i find something that makes complete sense. But...if ive never dealt with the problem before, than how in the world can i make sense of the situation? So i am backtracking to everyone that has spoken to me trying to remember what they said.

The reason why i want answers is because i want the fastest way to deal with things. And because i wait to deal with the emotional aspect, i start to detach from my emotions. So in the end...my emotions start hanging out where they are, while the rest of me moves on. Which explains why everything seems to be missing something. Im missing ME! haha...what a concept. So how i came to this conclusion...i have no idea. I think it has something to do with Albert Einstein. But I cant be so sure...so here is my new philosophy: I would rather be an optimist and a fool, then a pessimist and be right. You can't figure out whats right unless you make mistakes. And you cant be truly happy without feeling completely hurt. You cant trust unless you know what it means to trust someone. You will never know what you have unless you fight with everything in you to keep it.

You have to know who you are to be who you are going to be. I gotta figure that out!

This year has been pretty crazy thus far. Life has so many unexpected turns, and it's so hard never knowing what is coming next. Things really haven't been working out the last couple weeks. I'm just really frustrated because I had a plan...and that's definitely not working. This is one of the first times in my life that I feel like I'm wasting time. I'm really not happy where I'm at, but since I don't know what to do next, I don't know when this is all going to end. I have things to be happy about, but for some reason I won't let myself be happy. Any normal circumstances, I would love my life right now, but things haven't really been normal for quite sometime. My birthday was this past weekend, and I had a great day. I remember thinking that it was going to be awful. I went out to eat with a friend the night before, and I remember sitting there thinking how bad it was going to be. It really was a normal day, and was pretty uneventful, but for some reason it recharged me. I was so excited, for i don't know why. But ever since, it just feels like something is missing. With everything...work, relationships, free time, even watching baseball games on tv. Its weird. I can't figure out what it is. So until I figure out what it is, I am going to try to enjoy life, and try to take concrete steps to figure this whole life garbage out. I wish i could go back in time to like...November and redo everything...i think that would help.