Hmm...

"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do and they're happy forever, give me a break. 9 out of 10 of them end, because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half the ones who get married, get divorced anyway and I'm tellin' you right now through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, you know, in some cultures...a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, 'cause I do...believe in it. Bottom line is that couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everyone else. but the big difference is they don't let it take 'em down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time if it's right and if they're real lucky one of them will say something."

Ironic...

Tonight, I was in a mood to just lie down and relax, after my fairly busy nights of late. I was looking through my iTunes to find some music to listen to. And to my surprise I could only find one band that fit my mood. It's a band who I have some bad memories with. Well I don't personally know them but listening to their music reminds me of other more depressing times. *disclaimer* not that these times are depressing, because they most definitely are not. *end disclaimer*. So I listen to the words of the songs, and I am actually intrigued. So I find the lyrics to all the songs, and replay the cd. I am just amazed that if I had never heard their music before, and had heard them maybe two weeks from now, I would almost swear that I wrote these songs. It was a bittersweet moment, but I could finally sit back and enjoy their music.

Life is beautiful...

I remember saying that on New Years, it was definitely a neat moment in my life. Since then, plenty of neat moments have come by. I have had a good year, and at this point in my life, i think it's only gonna get better. A lot of good things have been happening, and there are plenty more to come. I am experiencing new things, I am finding myself praying in a different way, and I have everything I need. I only have a couple years from getting "real life" started, but I'm not downplaying my life in the meantime. There is plenty of time for new friendships, and relationships, and experiences, and that is the most exciting part of life. I have a clean slate and all I want is a clean start. I am very happy with myself and how things are going for me. I realized that there are so many people around me who love and respect me. People who think my life is amazing, and I like that feeling. I haven't been happy in the past, because I put my happiness in the wrong things. Life is always beautiful, even when everything seems like it is going horribly. There is so much to find happiness in, and right now I am definitely very happy. I have a nice little vacation coming up and I am very excited about that. So here goes...

Moving on...

Hey...I'm back! Well tonight was a good night. I got to work, for the first time in a few weeks. I was reunited with a few old friends, and that felt pretty darn good. Tomorrow, I have a interview at a local Hospital, for a position to help manage a Pharmacy. I didn't think I was qualified, but they sought me out. So the Lord works in mysterious ways, and in this particular way, i might be making more money than I was at my previous job. It's neat how God has been working in my life the past few days. I have been fighting with everything in me to keep him the main focus, and I can see him already blessing me for it. Even if this job falls through, I know he will have something lined up. I just want to thank everyone who has encouraged me. I've been calling a good friend of mine a couple times every day to unload my thoughts, and try to make sure I am doing the right thing and keeping a Godly perspective. Without her, and a couple of blog posts, involuntary fasts (as I humorously call them) and a few people letting me know that they are reading and praying, I don't think i would have gotten out of bed. I just want to thank you and share a verse that I wrote on my hand and its one that has kept me going. "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to God. Many will see what he has done and be astounded. They will put their trust in the Lord" Psalm 40:1-3.

Final Thoughts

I find myself asking the same questions. I don't really buy most of the answers. They just don't fit. Nothing adds up. I'm so tired of dealing with it. For the longest time I have done everything I could do to make things work. I spent an hour or so today reading all my blogs and emails, just trying to make sense. I'm just trying to figure out how I end up being the one that brought this on me. I am convinced of a couple things. I made a decision a long time ago that I didn't know carried so much weight. I thought nothing of it. I thought it was something that would end in time, and it keeps getting in the way. It's not anything bad. But it feels like the worst thing I could have ever done. Do I wish that things could have been different? Yes. But answering yes means having to give up everything that made me happy. And I am not willing to do that. It was a lose/lose situation, that I had no idea I was in. And of course, because I had no idea, I'm the one that loses in the end. I feel like I'm the only one having to deal with it. I wish i could hear otherwise, but it just doesn't seem so. I'm the only one looking for answers. I'm the only one trying to make sense of it all. And in the end I can see that I'm the only one that had my priorities straight. I hope that I never bring anyone else to this point, because its just not right. Its not at all fair, and I just pray that I am not the only one dealing with it. Now, or in the future. It will take its course.

Top of the Mornin'

Today has been pretty awesome. I woke up, and immediately weighed myself. My goal over the past few weeks was to lose my little belly. I grew fond of it, but I wanted to watch him go. And today, he is officially gone. Unfortunately I had to lose 9 pounds over the course of 11 days to achieve this and the past few days have sped up the process a little. I was pretty excited. But then it kind of dawned on me that the person I tell everything to, I can't talk to. I think that is the hardest part of all of this. I have so much I want to say, but I don't know who to say it too. Good things have been happening but, I just keep it inside, and wish I could talk to someone. I think thats why I'm blogging so much. Because I'm saying it to you, just to get it out. I seriously don't think there is anyone who cares enough to keep tabs on what is going on with me right now, but just the thought that if someone wants to know what's on my mind and what I'm going through, it's here. I have to tell someone. I picked a bad time to be living in Florida with nothing to do...I want nothing more than to feel normal. I'm still committed to the idea of moving back to Jersey in the fall, and hopefully between then and now i can achieve a sense of normalcy. This sucks so much.

Bearing my soul

I feel really weird about blogging my heart out. But I can't imagine that anyone is reading anyway, and it does make me feel a lot better. I am currently just trying to do the right thing. I am trying to take a different perspective than I've had the past couple similar experiences. I think I had a tendency to drive myself into temporary depression, which wasn't very constructive. This time around, I'm just trying to focus on what is important. I'm trying to read through the lines, and trying to gain any feeling of hope for what is to come. I'm not routing for any specific outcome as far as what my future holds. I'm just trying to go at it from my heart, and keep the mindset that I will overcome this, and in a few months i will laugh about this. Experience is getting me by. I was at a doctor's house tonight and I had to try my hardest to keep myself from asking him to prescribe me some sleep medication so i can...oh, i don't know...sleep from now until may. But today was a good day. My morale is good, and I am legitimately trying to stay above the circumstance and find ways to praise God through them. I'm just at a loss and I have no idea why this is happening. But I know there are people out there that do. All I know is that I did nothing wrong and God is going to bless me for seeking him. Gosh, I really don't want to come across as emotional. I'm not an emotional guy and I am not emotional right now. I just lost something I love, and took for granted, and blogging is a breath of fresh air. Goodnight!

Brand new day

Last night was probably one of the better nights I've had in a while. I just felt at peace with everything. I got a lot of crap that was on my mind out, and being able to go to sleep with ease was a huge answer to prayer. Unfortunately the entire night wasn't so good. I woke up at about 7 a.m. shaking uncontrollably. I've never felt that before and I was honestly afraid that something terrible was wrong. After clinging to my covers for a little while, I stared to calm. I don't know exactly what caused it, but it was definitely my mind and body trying to make sense of the last 24 hours. I had a good time with God last night. He put me in a place I didn't really expect to be in so soon. This morning I feel a little more clarity as far as what the next step should be, but i'm not gonna rush into that. Right now, I just want to adjust to the quick change and try to think as much as I can about things and get this mess behind me as quick as possible.

A Prayer

God,
This really isn't like you. I know I'm not perfect and I make my share of mistakes, but couldn't you have made this situation easier? I feel empty again, and I sure hope and pray that something beautiful comes out of it. I know i have no expertise on how you work but I want you to know that I feel lower than I ever have before. I feel like the most important role You've placed in my interpersonal life has been pulled out from under me out of nowhere. I'm not sure how to feel. I respect Your authority, but I don't think this had to happen. I feel betrayed, lied to, emotionally destroyed and thinking that You allowed it makes it hurt so much more. God, You know my life is in Your hands, but right now it feels like You dropped me. This is in your will though. It has to be. I'm not going to stop trusting You. You will make this pain go away. You will pick up the pieces and make me whole again. Speak to me now! Speak to me tonight! I need your comfort and I need to feel your love. According to Your word, you will bring me peace and joy in the morning. You are my Father and I know you want nothing more than to see my heart in the right place.

God, You know I love Michele. I want nothing more than to see her become the woman You created her to be. As much as I want to hate her right now, I can't. I know she needs my love as much as I already know she has Yours, and I refuse to be selfish. If You choose to never bring us back together, I want You to continue Your work in her life, and I want her to know that I never stopped loving or supporting her. Make her a better and stronger person as a result. If your intention is to bring her back to me, than You know I'm here, to love her like You love her. If not keep her safe and bring her someone who loves her like you love her. Bring her the man that I couldn't be. Keep her in Your hands and keep Your arms around her.

God, You know I love You, and I always will. My life is in your hands, and so is my heart. Take it. Use it for Your glory. In this situation, and in all the ones to come. I am fully Yours.

Surprise!

It's hard to believe how quickly your life can change. Everything is completely normal one minute, and within hours its all different. God lately has been softening the blow, but somethings still get under your skin. I'm not about to say I'm not happy, because If I've learned anything in my life its that God does things for a reason. God has broken my heart plenty in the past few years. God has dealt me cards that don't make any sense, and usually i'm not even playing cards to begin with. I had a tiny idea that today was going to happen, but I can't describe how i feel because i don't really know that. If I could change the result, would I? In a heartbeat. The circumstances do change what my next step will be, I feel like i didn't know what I was dealing with, and now that I know i begin to wonder. So whether to go left or go right I don't know. I just kinda want to sit for a while, and enjoy what I have. God gives and God takes away. I thank him so much for giving me what I had, but in life all things are taken away in time. So I just have to condition my heart to whatever is next. Please pray for me.

Weird....

God works everything out in the end. That's not a question. Thats not a theory. That is the absolute truth. Everything I can possibly worry about is a moot point once God steps in and makes things clear. Most people wouldn't understand that. Trusting God involves way too much sacrifice. I didn't even completely trust God for the past year and a half but he still managed to show me who's got things under control. I get myself stuck in a mess of confusion and then try to get myself out of it, then, all of the sudden I'm out and I know that I'm not the one that did it. Today was one of those days that most people would look at as a horrible day. I woke up with all these worries and thoughts about what I need to do, and drastically just a handful of hours later, its all clear. Today, I lost my job. For the second time in 6 months I have found myself in sudden unemployment. No warning, not really anything that I did to deserve this. But with everything God's been doing in my life leading me up to today, it came as no surprise. I took it in stride, knowing that God is beginning to answer a prayer that I prayed just 12 hours before. My prayer was one of the first that I've ever prayed publicly that was in expectation of the next step. The vision of what God wants to do with my life is becoming clear, and as a result I will be leaving New Brunswick for a short while. Its not permanent, I just think God needs some time to prepare me for the next step which has everything to do with New Brunswick and what he originally called me to do here way back in March 2004. I'm only days away from my departure, and I don't think anyone knows. Except for a few. I don't want to make it a big deal. My hope is for me to disappear for a while and when I come back find, that no one really noticed that i was gone, but that they see a huge difference in my life and wonder what happened. That would be pretty awesome.